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Ready for the world to finally see the real me.

Today is the date I committed myself to start journaling my quest, and here I am. First milestone: check!

First things first. I’m Carlos and I’m fed up of my inability to find fulfillment in life, specially professionally, which obviously has a tremendous impact on all other categories in life.

Maybe you can relate to this or some part of this: I’m in my 40s (I’m 41 right now but I feel this discontent with my results and lack of clarity since high school) and I am kind of introvert, so I find it difficult to adjust to the fast pace and the importance on career that today’s companies seem to impose or expect from their employees.

If you add to that, that I never had a vocation or clarity on what I wanted to do or what I wanted to become (aka knowing my passions or purpose in life), you end up like a walking combination of insecurities that make it very difficult to enjoy life, even though apparently I have everything one could desire: an awesome wife, three amazing kids, I live in the best town in the world and I have peaceful relationships with family and friends.
So, what the heck is wrong with me?!

A consequence of this lack of clarity was my continued jumping from one area of interest to the next. I started studying economics (6 months), tourism (3 years), psychology (3 years), graphic design (2 years), having graduated from tourism studies and a masters degree after that.

With jobs, the same thing. After a period of one and a half years I seem to feel bored and a new search for my “ideal” job begins, the one that will completely fulfill me, where I will enjoy every minute, one that will be meaningful and somehow impact the world. It took too long for me to realize that this is a risky pursuit that more times than not will end in frustration and disappointment.

Let me digress a bit to explain an important piece of the puzzle for me. A pivotal point in my life was when our first son was born. The moment I saw our baby I knew that I wanted to be close to my family, spend time with him and experience all the amazing things that babies learn to do, like the first smile, the first time they stand up, when they say their first word…It’s not that I wanted to be all day around just in case he suddenly smiled, but I didn’t want to come home after the whole day out at work, when the baby was already sleeping and miss his infancy.

That didn’t help when looking for jobs. 10 years ago companies didn’t have a work-life balance culture (which is still the case for many companies today), so I had to suppress my desires to be close to my kid and keep working at the company I was working back then.

In order to try to solve this problem, I stumbled upon internet and the possibilities to earn money from home, specially as passive income (THE dream, right?). So, that put me on a path to learn and apply all I could to be able to work from home someday “soon” and be close to my family.

Fast forward 10 years, 3 kids and 4 jobs in the online marketing world and I still haven’t reached the point of fulfillment in life, even though I have been enjoying working from home the last 2 years. Sure, I had great moments of relative success with my own online projects but then I lost momentum (and the income 🙁 ). Not only that, but with every project that I tried and didn’t work or with every job I left after some years in the pursuit of something “better” I built an unhealthy habit of distrust in myself, which makes it more difficult to get the new job or start the new project that supposedly will make me happy.

I don’t want to sound like a victim, although that was my default mindset until recently. I’m just trying to explain how I got into one of the lowest points in my life and how much I needed this process to be the catapult to the new life that I’m cocreating now.

This is a quest. My quest to become the best version of myself. A quest to become who I need to become in order to live the life that I want with my loved ones. This is my main goal, the goal that will help manifest all my other goals and visions. I finally have clarity on what I want and what I need.

Now it’s time to think, decide and act differently. I know it’s going to be hard. It’s going to be painful. It’s going to take time, patience and commitment. But it’s going to be totally worth it … and a bit fun too, I hope.

In my never-ending search for purpose I stumbled upon several great resources that have helped me a lot to gain clarity, to open my eyes to new mindsets completely underestimated by the self-help industry but essential for people like me. I will share them with you in my next updates.

If you want to accompany me in this journey from unfulfilled, not enough and without passions or purpose to feeling fulfilled, enough, unstuck and with clarity on what I want, creating habits to keep this state of being in the long term, keep coming back, or subscribe to receive the updates as soon as I publish them.

I will experiment regularly with 30-day challenges and share quick wins and what didn’t work for me. My first 30-day challenge is to write at least 500 words/5 days a week on this blog. I’ll let you know how it goes.

But most importantly, I will be brutally honest, authentic and open to feel vulnerable. I’m ready for the world to finally see the real me.

If any of this relates to you, come join me or share your thoughts on the comments below.

As a final quick tip from my own experience: when we are stuck in a situation that we desperately dislike, the first step is to take responsibility for our results in a compassionate way towards ourselves. I have no doubt that what I am living right now is the consequence of my past actions, decisions and behaviors. If we want to have a different future, even just six months or one year from now, we need to start acting and behaving differently now.

I’m glad I finally owned my responsibility on this problem. And I am working on not being too harsh on myself. Although I consider myself a compassionate person I sometimes forget to have compassion for myself. Life-long learning, right?

Till next time.

Published in Family first Lifework Personal emotional growth

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